Last night I sat at home and pondered things. Mostly the questionable future with the woman I'm so badly wanting back. She calls, we talk for a while. Not about anything serious, just conversation. Which deep down, I liked. She has always been quite easy to talk to. Even when we first met and I was in the position of holding back and not telling her the stupid stories that most women would find absurd, I didn't. She always made me feel so comfortable. I think I told her things in the 1st month that most people wouldn't even tell in the 1st year. I guess that was a huge reason I pursued her so intensely. Not that I stalked her. But I think if I did, she still would've fallen for me. That was always something that I loved about her. She loved talking to me. Once we sat in her van overlooking Clear lake and talked for hours. It was great. I'd never met someone who really wanted to know me. I knew that night that I really cared for her. She told me she felt she needed to go to her serious ex's house in Iowa to make sure there were no feelings left. I felt sick hearing that. I told myself "if she goes there, she may forget me and we may never have a chance to possibly be together." But I couldn't bring myself to come out and tell her not to go. But I think she could see it in my eyes. And you know what... She didn't go. And if my memory serves me correctly, we were a couple the same time she would have gone there. The first week were official I woke up and 1:30 in the morning to her crying on the phone. I didn't even have minutes so she was texting me but she was in trouble. I jumped out of bed so fast I about broke my leg. I drove to her and spent that night laying with her making sure she felt safe. The fact that I had to work in 4 hours wasn't even a thought. I knew where I needed to be. I went to work that day and came right back. I spent the entire week at her place. The 1st week I moved into my new apartment and I hadn't even slept there yet. I sometimes wonder how things would be had that night never happened. While I'll always hate that she had to go through what she did, I think it really showed her quickly what kind of man I am.

As much as I could sit here all day telling stories from the last 3 years, I have a point to get to.

Anyways, I decided that even though she was staying in, I would still go for a nice walk. I needed time to think. So I ventured out. Now while I always have my music in my ears, for some reason, I could barely hear the music over the sound of my brain screaming 18 different things. I was ok with that. I needed to focus on my thoughts. It's been almost 5 months since we've been apart and as crazy as it sounds, I'm still in love with her. Most men would've taken that 5 months and met somebody else and eventually forgotten about her. Not me I guess. Even though I'm still young, I really believed that we're meant to be. Giving up was just not something I would let myself do. So I work. I show her constantly how happy I can make her and amazing she is. Something I don't think anybody else has done. The beauty of the walk was while for a long period of time I pondered the present and the questionable future, I focused a lot on the past. Remembering all the amazing things that happened while we were together. All the nights we would just lay in bed and talk for hours about anything that popped into our heads. Our 1st date. God I was nervous. She could tell instantly. But when she left and we had our first kiss, it was incredible. The minute she left that parking lot, she was already embedded into my brain. I thought about her all night.

The beauty of a relationship is the fights you have. Most people try to forget the bad times and only remember the good ones. Last night I remembered the fights we had. Some of them were just plain bad. And while I'd love to forget those times, it made me realize even more how strong we were as a whole. I said to myself "if we could still love each other after all those bad times, we can make it through anything... Even this". I should have given up. After all that's happened in the last 5 months or so, anybody else would've been gone. I couldn't walk away. Not this time. Not with her. Sometimes you just know when fighting is worth it. And this is definitely worth fighting for. All the nights of restlessness and complete depression will be completely worth it if she comes back. I know that there's a chance that she wont. Obviously that's been on mind a lot more lately. But as much as I know that there's a chance she's not coming back, I know that I can't quit. Because while somebody else might make her happy, he wont make her happier than I would. Wouldn't love her like I would. I truly believe this.

I sometimes hate how so much of my feelings have been expressed this way. But maybe it's better that she read the words rather than hear them. But what's really hard is not knowing her thoughts and feelings. But deep down, I think I know how she feels. Now while I'd love to be able to hear the words from her, I'll just settle for reminding her how much she is loved. As I would do until the day I die. "Do you hear me?"

Ultimately she will make her decision and if she decides I'm not the man she wants to be with, I have to live with that. But will you regret not being with me down the road? Will you look in the mirror one morning and realize the man in the other room is not the man you truly want to be there? When you're father walks you down the aisle to give you away on your wedding day, who do you want to see at the end of that aisle? I know where I wanna be on that day. At the end of that aisle.

There will be problems. There will be fights and disagreements and days we'll just wanna rip our faces off. But you know what else there will be? Happiness. Which deep down is what both of us want. Sometimes it's just a matter of how bad you want it.